creative slump

Day 10 has brought on a creative slump. I can’t stand it here. This is usually where I take a long break. However, I am forcing myself to push through and continue to create everyday this month. So much easier said than...
romanticizing the past

romanticizing the past

We are all guilty of it, romanticizing our past. We forget the bad….. hard struggle and only remember the good. We simplify the past and tell ourselves a story that is only a portion of reality. To make matters worse we spit these romanticized partial truths out to other people as advice. For example when someone who has older or grown kids tells you what they did with their own kids and how easy it was. All that does is make the person with the small children feel badly and like they must be doing something wrong because their own reality in the present moment is so much more difficult than the other persons distorted rendition of the truth. I did it to myself the other day. I saw a woman at Costco loading her toddler twins and groceries into her car. I literally thought for a few moments that she was lucky! I thought “oh that was such a wonderful time in my life. I miss the kids being little like that.” WTF! I stopped myself! Had I gone completely insane? That was a wonderful time however it was also the most difficult time in my life. The memory that was playing in my head was leaving out the memory that when I was at Costco with my twins I smelled like spit up, I probably had not showered in 3 days, I had only slept for 2 maybe 3 hours straight, I only had a window of 45 min before I had to get back home feed two babies, change their diapers, put them down for a...
“10% happier”

“10% happier”

Many of you have sent me wonderful private messages full of love and acceptance. Thank you. Included in some of those messages are questions about how I am finding my way out. The answer to that question is loaded and very complicated. So, I have decided to share a little here and there in the hope that it will help and answer some of those questions. One of those questions is what does all of this have to do with my art, my photography and my business….etc. My mental health or lack there of has everything to do with my ability to create and what I end up creating. In my search to cure my panic and trauma on my own without medication I began to meditate. In my search I found the book “10% Happier” and Dan Harris’ experience that was different than mine yet very much the same. His book and experience was a great awakening for me. Check it out!       Click here to watch Dan’s talk at Google and his Panic attack on national television....
drowning in trauma

drowning in trauma

Two years ago this week I was the victim of a horrific crime. A crime so horrific that I can not even share the details of it with the world. Please respect me and do not go to my family and friends and ask them for details that they may or may not have. In the first weeks, months and year that past right after the crime we were drug through the ringer of the court system and shown that there is no justice even when it is a measure 11 crime. We pushed the court to convict and accept nothing but the maximum sentence. Finally we “won” and got a full confession and conviction. However because the perpetrator is a minor he never saw the inside of a jail cell. This week however I caught him violating his terms of release and probation and I am hopeful we will go back in front of a judge and she will give him some time in jail. I spent these past two years trying to drown my trauma & panic with many things…… most of them very unhealthy and very unsafe. Drinking too much to ease the massive panic that I was now living with seemed to be where I always landed. I found myself in a horrible dark place that was immensely frightening to enter into and then somehow that very dark place became a dark blanket that I would wrap myself up in and hide from the world. At first I would just play, let go and pretend in there. I would crawl into my dark hole and...
Long days of summer

Long days of summer

I often wonder what they will remember from these long days spent together during the summer. Chances are that they will not remember me sitting on the couch reading to them, laying in there beds at night listening to what feels like an endless stream of chatter and ideas, chasing them around and cleaning up like crazy or all the soft tender moments spent together with what feels like all the time in the world to spare. Most likely they will remember me yelling at them to go outside until lunch, nagging them to clean up & saying if you don’t stop fighting I am going to EXPLODE among many other very proud parenting moments that all of us parents partake in from time to time.   Being a mother is the hardest job I have ever taken on. The ups and downs are extreme. However, all it takes is one tiny “mommy I love you” and payment is made in full....