Two years ago this week I was the victim of a horrific crime. A crime so horrific that I can not even share the details of it with the world. Please respect me and do not go to my family and friends and ask them for details that they may or may not have.
In the first weeks, months and year that past right after the crime we were drug through the ringer of the court system and shown that there is no justice even when it is a measure 11 crime. We pushed the court to convict and accept nothing but the maximum sentence. Finally we “won” and got a full confession and conviction. However because the perpetrator is a minor he never saw the inside of a jail cell. This week however I caught him violating his terms of release and probation and I am hopeful we will go back in front of a judge and she will give him some time in jail.
I spent these past two years trying to drown my trauma & panic with many things…… most of them very unhealthy and very unsafe. Drinking too much to ease the massive panic that I was now living with seemed to be where I always landed. I found myself in a horrible dark place that was immensely frightening to enter into and then somehow that very dark place became a dark blanket that I would wrap myself up in and hide from the world.
At first I would just play, let go and pretend in there. I would crawl into my dark hole and light just a small fire. I could still scratch my way back out, cover up my burns, put myself together and go on with the life I now had that was a total charade.
Slowly though I began to bring a gas can in with me, light that little fire, dump a little gas on it and before I knew it I had completley caught on fire and anyone who came near me would get burnt to. Suddenly I could no longer crawl or scratch out on my own. I now required help to get out. Once out I could no longer hide my burns: my pain, my panic, my trauma, my constant desire to run away. I could not go on with my life that felt pointless and completely serial and fake. I was in a horrible fight with myself in my head and I was loosing badly.
I asked people around me for help and they tried their best but sooner or later I would crawl back inside and burn them sometimes on purpose sometimes on accident if they tried to make me come out. Being the victim of a horrible crime had changed me. It has changed my entire family. We can never go back to who we were before being victimized. Life has become split into two sections: Life before the crime and Life after the crime.
There is no shiny wonderful ending to my story. I have at least crawled out of my dark hole, closed the door, locked it and thrown away the key. Now I can honestly say that I do see a bright light ahead. I share this experience for many reasons. One being to just get it out of my body and my mind. The other is to share it with the hope that someone somewhere who is stuck in the throws of their own dark hole and lighting fires will see that there is a way out, there is hope, they are not alone and it can get better.